


Note to Self

by ByTheBi



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Kairi-centric (Kingdom Hearts), Letters, Personal Growth, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:28:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28529232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ByTheBi/pseuds/ByTheBi
Summary: Kairi takes to writing letters during her training - ones she'll never send.
Relationships: Kairi & Lea (Kingdom Hearts), Kairi & Merlin (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9
Collections: Kingdom Heals





	Note to Self

__

_Dear Sora,_

_I hope you’re well. I mean, I know you’re probably doing just fine, but after everything, I can’t help but worry. I know you’re okay because you always are, you’re Sora, and you’re probably just laughing as you go through another great adventure, but some of the worlds out there are very… different. Do you ever get scared, Sora? Do you ever worry? I wish I could stop-_

“What’cha got there?”

Kairi startles at the sudden voice, turning with a yelp. Lea immediately backs away, arms raised in a non-threatening gesture.

“Whoa, whoa, it’s just me,” he starts to say before grimacing. “I mean, I’m not gonna hurt ya. Sorry if-”

“It’s fine,” Kairi interrupts, one hand on her chest as if to slow her racing heart. The letter she had been writing is bunched up in her other fist. She slowly unclenches her fingers, smoothing out the creases of the page. 

Lea hovers, hands awkwardly fluttering in the air. “Sorry about your paper,” he offers with a hesitant smile. “Were you taking notes or something?”

She studies the sheet, nose wrinkling ever so slightly as she reads over the words written. “It was supposed to be a letter,” she explains. “But it’s fine. I was going to scrap it anyway.”

“How come?” Lea’s still awkward around her most days, especially when he thinks she might be scared. It keeps him tiptoeing around her, hovering like an anxious bird. She kind of hates it, but she doesn’t know how to get him to stop (especially when sometimes, she really _is_ afraid.)

She pushes that fear down to the depths of her stomach; some days it makes her want to puke, but today all it does is leave her with a mild bellyache that ruins her appetite for the evening.

“It wasn’t turning out the way I wanted it to,” she admits. After a moment, she begins carefully folding up the paper to tuck into her pocket; she’ll dispose of it later. She could just rip it up and toss it to the wind, but a tiny part of her thinks it’ll find its way to Sora somehow and she just can’t have that. 

“Oh,” Lea says, scratching the back of his head. He settles into a more natural looking pose, leaning back against the tree. Kairi counts it as progress. “Would talking it out help? If you can’t see yourself saying it out loud, it wouldn’t make sense writing it down.”

She shrugs, suddenly wishing she hadn’t put the paper away so she could at least have something to fiddle with. She twirls the pencil between her fingers instead, tapping it against her knee. “He- the person I’m writing to isn’t here.”

“Sora?” he guesses. She nods. 

“Well, I’m here, and maybe that doesn’t mean much, but you could use me as a practice round. Just talk to me like you would Sora.”

She turns to him in surprise. “What?”

He suddenly straightens up, looking sheepish. “Ah, wait, that’s probably not a good idea, right? I mean, it was worth a shot-”

“I’m scared,” she blurts out suddenly. 

Lea’s eyes go wide. “Sorry!” He waves his hands in front of his face before suddenly dropping them, hunching over as if to make himself smaller. “I didn’t mean-”

“Not of you,” Kairi tells him, and it’s only now that she’s voiced it that she realizes how true it is; she doesn’t fear Lea at all. It’s what he reminds her of that she’s afraid of. 

Lea just looks confused now, brows pinched together and an obvious frown on his face.

Kairi forces herself to continue, stomach churning some of that anxiety from earlier back up into her throat. “I’m afraid of… all of this. Everything. Of fighting. Holding people back. Losing my friends. I’m so scared and worst of all, I’m scared I’m the only one who feels like this.”

The tears blur her vision before she realizes they’re even there and she ducks her head, scrubbing at her eyes. Out of nowhere, a pair of arms wrap around her in a tight hug. 

“Lea, what-”

“Don’t be silly,” he scolds in a shaky voice. Kairi tries to pull back to see his expression, but his embrace is tight; instead of feeling stifling though, it’s reassuring. Unwavering. “Of course I’m scared. We all are. I’m scared of never seeing my friends again and losing him to Xehanort. I’m scared I’m forgetting something really important. Every single day I’m scared, Kairi.”

He finally pulls back. His eyes are glassy in the waning orange glow of the sunset. “But that fear is why I’m going to keep fighting. Because I’ll be damned if I let anything bad happen to the people I care about. They’re my strength. And I know you have that strength too.”

“I… do?” 

“‘Course you do!” His grin is warm and sincere, hopeful despite the tears. “You don’t go down without a fight. You and me, we’re gonna raise hell on Xehanort for this. We’ll make him pay. And you wanna know how I know that?

There’s something wry about his expression that has Kairi smiling as she asks, “How do you know?”

His grins widens enough that it makes his eyes crinkle at the corners. “Because we’re a couple of chickens! Have you ever tried to fight a chicken? Those things are scary!”

A startled laugh bursts out of her. “Lea!”

“What?” he says as she playfully shoves him. “I’m not wrong!”

They laugh and for a while, she’s able to ignore the pit of doubt in her stomach. Lea’s full of enough reassurances that Kairi can convince herself that maybe she’s just overthinking things.

“Hey, let’s make a deal,” Lea tells her once their chuckles have died down and they’re just staring out at the sunset. “Whoever loses tomorrow has to pay for our next round of ice cream.”

Kairi grins. “Deal.”

\---

All of Lea’s reassurances - as numerous as they may be - don’t really stand the test of the arena. 

The ‘arena’ as they’ve taken to calling it is actually just a wide clearing in the forest; where it had once been full of soft grass and wildflowers, it's become little more than a circle of packed dirt from all their training. Kairi knows from experience that the dirt makes for a nice, soft cushion when she hits the ground. And she sure does hit the ground often.

It doesn’t really surprise her that Lea is a good fighter; based on what she knows of his past and the easy way he wields his weapons, he has the experience. But that doesn’t make losing any less frustrating, especially when he’s clearly holding back some days. 

She’s thought about asking Riku for tips, anything that could help her improve. She had even started on a letter begging for just that, but she quickly crumpled it up before she could work up the nerve to send it. Riku was probably busy anyway; he wouldn’t have time to teach her things. Her letter to King Mickey was scrapped for the same reason, and honestly Kairi was a little horrified at herself for even thinking about bothering the king with something like this.

She couldn’t start dragging them down _already._ So she practiced. Over and over and over again.

At least she’s gotten good at falling.

Kairi rolls back onto her feet, adjusting her grip on her keyblade as she stares at Lea, panting. She can feel a bead of sweat trickle down from her hairline, but she doesn’t risk letting go to wipe it off. In fact, she’s just in the middle of debating whether to try a spell or another physical attack when Lea suddenly straightens up out of his battle stance. 

“Hey, maybe we should call it quits for the day,” he suggests.

“Huh?” Kairi shifts her weight, confused, before she tightens her grip. “No way! We barely even started.”

To her frustration, Lea vanishes his keyblade and shrugs. “I just think we could both use a bit of a break.”

“I don’t need a break,” she interrupts with a frown. “I need to practice. I’ll never learn if you keep going easy on me, Lea.”

“Whoa, whoa, now. Who said anything about going easy on you? Maybe I just need to drink some water.”

She rolls her eyes, but accepts the bottle he tosses her way nonetheless, cracking it open for a long drink. Lea takes a seat on the log holding their belongings, but Kairi stays in the center of the arena, taking slow, measured breaths. 

“Aren’t you at least going to take a breather?”

“I’m fine,” she insists, waving a dismissive hand in his direction. She needs to do this. She won’t have any chance of helping everyone in the final fight if she doesn’t train as much as she can. He says something else she can’t hear, his voice lost under the spell that follows. 

A puff of ice escapes, frosting a patch of grass before her. It’s not nearly as substantial as she would like, even though it’s a lot bigger than it was when she first started. Her sigh emerges as a ghost of white from her lips. 

Lea gives her an encouraging smile. “You’re improving!” Kairi just presses her lips together in a thin line and tries again. 

_“Blizzard!”_

The patch grows, ice skating out from the center in a beautiful crystalline pattern. The air is cold enough now that she actually shivers. 

“That’s more like it.”

Somewhat satisfied with her ice magic, she moves on to fire next, then thunder. Aero. Each one saps her of more energy than the last, but she pushes onward until her body is practically shaking with over-exertion and the sweat trickling down her forehead blinds her.

“Hey, maybe you should call it,” Lea suggests, rising to his feet. Kairi can hear the worry he tries and fails to hide in his voice.

“Just one more. I need to work on my healing magic,” she insists. Her arms feel like jelly, but she raises her keyblade anyway.

“Wait, Kairi-”

_“Cure!”_

A restorative green light swirls around her, encircling her in a warmth that feels like sinking into a hot spring. For a moment, she feels glorious -muscles loose and relaxed, lungs swelling with crisp, much needed air. 

Then, everything goes black as she hits the ground one last time. 

\---

The first sign that she isn’t still in the arena is the plush softness she feels as she stirs. Kairi tries lifting her hand, groaning as she touches her head, then whatever it’s laying on. A pillow?

“Well, well, you’re finally awake.”

Merlin sits by her bedside, half hunched over as he helps ease her into sitting up. When she’s settled again, she blinks over at him, and the worried pinch to his brow smooths over.

He leans back in his chair. “You really gave us quite the scare.”

“What happened? Where’s Lea?”

“Apparently, you exerted quite a bit of energy during training today - both the physical and magical kind. That last spell pushed your past your limits and you fainted. Lea carried you back to the cabin. I sent him back to his room so he wouldn’t pace a hole in the floor.”

Kairi pulls her knees up to her chest. “Oh,” she says, biting the inside of her cheek. Not only had she failed, but she had made others worry about her again. She had interrupted everyone because she needed to be saved. Humiliated, she presses her forehead to her knees. She doesn’t want to cry in front of Merlin, but it’s a very near thing at this point.

“Tea?” he offers kindly. 

She lifts her head. It’s only now that she notices the floating tea set dancing around the room. A beautiful china pot pours tea into a matching cup, which drifts over to her. It feels rude to refuse so she gingerly accepts, blowing over the surface of the hot tea before taking a small sip. 

It takes a few minutes of silence while they drink their tea for Kairi to find her voice. “Thank you,” she says softly. 

Merlin vanishes his now empty tea cup with a wave of his hand. “You’re very welcome, my dear. Now, are you feeling better?”

She pauses, taking stock of herself. Her pride is still wounded, but physically, she feels perfectly fine. “Yeah, actually. That tea really helped.”

“Some say a well steeped tea is just another kind of potion, you know,” Merlin says wisely before standing and clapping his hands together. “Now then! Shall we get going?”

Kairi gives him a curious look. “Going where?” she asks. 

“For a walk,” is his vague response. “Come along now.”

And so Kairi finds herself sliding out of bed to scurry after the wizard, following him out the cabin where she and Lea rest at night and into the forest proper.

"I get the feeling you haven't done any exploring," he remarks once she’s caught up to him.

Kairi's brow furrows. "Exploring? But we've seen the arena and the cabin - what more could there be?"

The edge of his smile lifts even higher while his eyes sparkle with amusement. "Come, child."

Kairi follows after him silently, watching with open curiosity as he parts a cluster of branches and vines so thick that it had never occurred to her it would even be passable. The path beyond the tangle of greenery is clear, if a little tight, and they follow its winding course for what feels like several long minutes. 

The dirt trail eventually widens again, opening up to a small clearing. It's not nearly as spacious as the arena, but what it lacks in size it makes up for in beauty: water rushes down from a twelve foot drop, cascading into a crystalline pool at the bottom. A few flat stones dot the pool, forming a path from the mossy edge of the pond to the center. 

"Wow," she breathes, taking a step forward. Daisies tickle her ankles. "It's beautiful."

"When I was a young student, I would often find a quiet spot where I could meditate. This space is the exact sort of area I would have used," Merlin told her. 

The flow of water is a steady constant, peaceful. She could see how this would be perfect for meditation.

"I trust you can find your way back on your own."

Kairi turns, but the wizard is already gone. She returns her attention to the waterfall, staring at it With a fond shake of her head, she smooths down her skirt so she can sit on the grass. She contemplates tugging off her boots and letting her feet soak in the water, but now that she’s settled, she doesn’t even feel like moving. She eases herself backwards until she’s laying flat on her back, staring up at the canopy of leaves overhead and the glimpse of sky just barely visible beyond it. 

For not the first time, Kairi wonders if this is the same sky the others see. If Sora, Riku, Mickey, wherever they are, if when they look up, it’s at the same sky, the same clouds, the same setting sun. She’d like to think so because the alternative - that she might ever be somewhere truly disconnected from her friends - is too frightening to consider.

Her chest aches. She rolls onto her side, staring at the waterfall instead. 

The rush of water is loud enough to drown out her thoughts, so for a while Kairi is content to just lay there and listen. Feel. Smell. 

“I wish I had something to write with,” she says aloud before closing her eyes. 

The grass beneath her palm and the fresh scent of daffodils is enough for her for now, grounding and all encompassing. 

Then, something hard lands on her hip, sliding off to land on the grass. She looks down. Her notebook sits before her, waiting patiently for her to pick it up and right its crooked pages. 

“Huh?” Kairi sits up and pulls it onto her lap. “Where did you come from?” she murmurs. A pencil drops onto its cover, and she immediately tilts her head back in search of the culprit. 

A trio of fairies float in front of her face, glowing bright purple and pink and green. The purple one taps the tip of her nose before darting off. 

“Hey, wait!”

The fairies disappear as quickly as they had come, leaving her alone with their gifts and the steady roar of the waterfall beside her. She calls out a ‘Thank you’ just in case they can hear her. 

She flips open the notebook to a blank page. She can tell it’s hers from how many pages have already been ripped out; plus, when she runs her fingers over the top page, she can feel the slight indents from her previous letter attempts that have been long since discarded.

Despite her yearning to write, she has no desire to pen a letter. It feels wrong, sacrilegious even, to break the quiet sanctuary of this space by trying to write to someone else. She doesn’t want anyone else to see her right now anyway. 

For once, Kairi just wants to be alone. 

The tip of her pencil touches paper without her realizing, gliding into nonsense loops and swirls that end up becoming doodles. Flowers. Stars. Little palm trees and castles, crowns and hearts - like she’s a kid again with chalk in her hands and a thousand ideas to voice through her drawings.

She isn’t sure at what point the shapes begin forming letters, the letters into words, and so on, but at some point she becomes aware of the fact that she’s writing. She glances down at some of the scrawling lines. 

_-scared afraid quiet so quiet so dark too much water lonely moon dark light I miss the light I miss you I want need love to be strong okay be okay I want-_

Kairi takes a deep breath. She forces her racing mind to skid to a stop. Turning to a fresh page, she begins to lay down a new track for her thoughts, line by line.

__

_Dear Kairi,  
It feels a little silly - writing a letter to myself, I mean. But I guess you already know that, huh? But everyone else is working hard out there, leaving just me and me._

It seems so lonely, writing it down. Just ink on paper, just her own words for her own eyes. But the waterfall still roars in her ears, drowning out her melancholy thoughts. It’s easy to just let it out and allow nature to do the crying for her. She grips her pen more firmly and continues to write.

__

_I feel like that’s how it’s been a lot lately. Just me on my own. Sora and Riku are always off flying to see new worlds, having all these wondrous adventures. I’m happy for them, really I am. I just wish there was more for me to do than just wait for them to get back._

There’s fairy dust shimmering at the edges of her notebook. She gathers some on her thumb and rubs it between her fingers. 

__

_I guess that isn’t entirely true. I have Lea and Merlin. And the kind fairies who gave me this notebook in the first place. We’ve been working hard everyday too. I’ve been trying to at least. Fighting is hard. Magic is hard. Lea and the others make it look so easy, but I can’t even get through a day’s training without blacking out…_

__

_It makes me feel useless, being this scared and weak. I hate it. I hate being scared and lonely, and worst of all, I hate feeling like a burden. I can’t tell the others because I know they’ll tell me not to feel that way or that it isn’t true, but they’re just being nice._

Another pause. It takes her longer this time to gather herself, but the forest is patient with her. The grass seems content to hold her as long as she needs; never rushing, never asking anything of her other than to just be. The waterfall is still weeping, loud and sympathetic to her plight. Even the wind does its part, carrying away her pain as effortlessly as dandelions on the breeze. 

For a while, all she does is breath. She counts each inhale, letting it fill her spirit and strengthening it with resolve. 

One… do it for Sora. Two... for Riku. Three… for Lea.

For Mickey. Donald. Goofy. Merlin. Aqua. 

For the guardians. For the battle. For the fighting and pain and-

They’re too fast now. Her chest rises and falls in sharp little gasps and she drops her pencil to clutch at her hair. An indeterminate amount of time passes before she can lift her head. She starts the count over. 

It’s a good thing, really, that time doesn’t pass the same way here. Kairi spends what could be minutes or maybe days just breathing. Just existing. She doesn't let herself think of duties or promises or fate. She just lets herself ride the waves of her feelings as they come, even if they bowl her over in their intensity; they eventually pass, and even if they leave her feeling battered, they also leave her feeling whole. More whole than she's felt by herself in a very long time. 

Kairi inhales. She holds it, then slowly exhales. 

And this time when she puts a name to her breaths, to her determination, to her strength and her heart, there is only one: Kairi.

__

_It’s okay. That I feel that way, I mean. Because that feeling isn’t permanent. It won’t be. This darkness will pass, and I’ll get stronger. One day, I’m going to be the one saving Sora. I’m going to beat Riku in a race. I’m going to be there for everyone - and best of all, I’ll be there for me. No one will need to come save me. I can do this. I will do this. And I’m gonna do it for me._

When she’s done writing, she leaves her notebook on a rock, pencil laid neatly across the last few lines. She stretches her arms over her head and smiles. 

“I should head back,” she decides. She turns for the cabin, leaving her letter behind for nobody and anybody to read. It already reached its destination anyway.

__

_First though, I think I’ll start with kicking Lea’s butt. After all, I could go for some ice cream._

__

_Lots of light and love,  
Kairi_

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the KHeals Zine. This was my first time writing Kairi, so I hope I did a decent job of it! She definitely has a lot of unexplored potential, that fans in this community have done an amazing job at depicting. 
> 
> Comments/concrit are always much appreciated!


End file.
